Who am I? That’s a really hard question to answer. I am me; crazy, yet sane; alive, yet dead; up, yet dead; alone, but surrounded; pretty, but ugly; tired, yet awake; confused, yet knowledgable; I am me.
I am diagnosed borderline personality disorder, bipolar I, PTSD, bulimic, generalized anxiety disorder, so I guess that says something about me.
I sleep little, eat less, but love over exuberantly.
Things are black and white for me, there is no grey area. Either I love you or I hate you. I’m on top of the world or I am buried under it. I am functioning or I can’t even get out of bed.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder? nimh.nih.gov defines it as, “Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.” That pretty much hits the nail on the head. I am unstable. I cannot have ‘real’ relationships. And my behaviors react as I do.
Enough of that, let’s get to the meat…
Over the past decade, I have wondered why I think the way that I do. Why I can’t seem to handle the simplest of things. Why I dream beyond reason. Why I can never seem to find my place. Why I cannot just have stability. Most importantly, why do I feel so dead and alone, no matter what? When I got diagnosed a couple of years ago, I didn’t really research it. It was not until my recent episode that I finally started to look into it, to read about it and to figure out what the hell it means to me and the people around me.
DSM V criteria of a Borderline
Borderline Personality Disorder
The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose borderline personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:
A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):
a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress.
b. Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, orcareer plans.
2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):
a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities.
b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal.
B. Pathological personality traits in the following domains:
1. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:
a. Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.
b. Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control.
c. Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy.
d. Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods;pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior.
2. Disinhibition, characterized by:
a. Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress.
b. Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.
3. Antagonism, characterized by:
a. Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.
C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.
D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.
E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).
Damn, that hits it alright. How have I not known this before? Why was it so hard for someone to get it right finally? I hit all of the criteria… not some ALL… In my mind, it’s always all or nothing, like I said, I’m not an in between kind of girl. Anyway, I’ve been hospitalized several times for different disorders, you think they would have gotten this right before!
This last stint has made me more mindful, I’ve noticed myself doing all of these things, but I cannot figure out how to stop them. I’m extremely agoraphobic right now, the thought of going outside terrifies me, which sucks because I’m slightly homeless right now. I have a good friend helping me, but I will probably push him away like I do everyone in my life. I don’t think that I am worth it all, all of the effort. Sometimes I really wonder why I am not dead. *Don’t worry, I’m not going to try anything right now…I think*
I’m doing this blog to help get some of this out, to see on paper what is really going on in my head. A memoir-type blog on my entangled mind.