Sick and Depressed

It is about 11pm on a Friday night and I am in bed.  Not that this is any different than most of my nights.  I am feeling so sick right now, however.  I tried to take a bath to help it and it just made me want to throw up.  I’m not quite sure what is going on.

I was already depressed, now that I am sick, it makes it so much worse.

I’ll write more later, I’m going to attempt to sleep.

Advertisements

Lost friends and Suicide notes- Triggering

I am so sorry that I haven’t been on in a while.  I am stuck in this thing called life right now.

I still have no apartment and I have been living in between.  I’ve lost so much in the last couple of months.  You would think that if people stayed by your side through what happened before, they’d be there for you now.  Well that’s not true.  And I know I’m hurting everyone, but I cannot be happy right now.  I’ve tried so hard.  I just can’t.

I shake and shake and shake.  I wonder if anyone really cares.  I don’t know when I have ever cried so much in my life.  I have my manic days still, but they’re different.  They’re more like a depressed mania…  I don’t know how to explain it.

I feel betrayed by everyone in my life right now.  How can you tell me that you loved me and then just leave me and not care that I’m probably going to cut.

My ex hurt me the other day, he did it on purpose, he knew what buttons to push to hurt me.  I haven’t seen that much blood in a long time.  And my really good friend, G, he noticed when I was on facetime with him my arm.  I know I keep hurting him with my moods, but I can’t help it.  I’ve had very shallow friends in my life, apparently.  You’re only my friend when I am beneficial, but the moment that I am not and I need help, you leave me.  I don’t get it.

I wrote a suicide note while sitting in Starbucks today.  I don’t think I will follow through with it, but it helped me to feel better.  Strangely.

I could be poetic, say that life was just too much, something that I could no longer do.  While all of this is true, the reason that I will no longer be here tomorrow is because of myself.  I am so sick of my brain, I am tired of never being happy.  Mania is not happiness, it’s madness.  When you spend 90% of your time depressed and the other 10% wondering what you are and why you’re here, you’re not living a life.

I love the people that have stayed in my life through everything that I have put them through. And I’m sorry, I am so sorry.  I am no longer living and I haven’t been for a long time.  I substituted alcohol and the sense of being empty for a life for a very long time.  I realized most of my friends were actually superficial.  For those of you who actually care, I love you.  I really just cannot handle myself anymore.  Please forgive me.

I know this is short, but I really don’t know what to say.  My heart doesn’t want to work anymore, so I have to listen to it.  I am sick of losing everyone that I care about, so it’s my turn to say goodbye.

Love,

LostGirl”

This is a depressing comeback, isn’t it?  I will try to blog more later.

Love alway,

Me.

The Triggering Holidays

I don’t think that I’m going to write on any of my story today… I will however write on the holidays and how they are so triggering in so many ways to me.  I will be surprised if I don’t either (TW!) self-mutilate or attempt suicide before of after Christmas this year.  I am already in a very weird mood and completely overwhelmed by life, as is.

I tell my friends and family that I cannot handle holidays, even my birthday, for so many reasons.  One of my clearest memories of Christmas was protecting my little sister because my step dad was in a mood and broke our tree and was yelling and throwing things.  I remember trying to explain to my family that my eyes were red because of allergies.  I think that I was about 11 or 12 at the time, maybe younger than that, actually.

Then there is the having to look like you’re eating or running to the bathroom after each thing that you eat.  “Why do you do that?” the family asks… well, because i am puking my brains out, because I cannot handle the pressure that you put onto me.  Oh no, I wouldn’t do that.  I am the smart, but a little troubled, girl of the family.  She knows better than to have an eating disorder, eating disorders are for pretty and blonde girls.

And finally, there’s the fact that I have to be around people.  I have huge social anxieties.  I don’t care if you’ve known me since I was a baby, that makes it worse.  I have to try to keep up a facade of the person that you think that I am.  I already know that my family does not like me, there is something wrong with me and they can see that.  They can see that I am a complete fuck up and they’d rather have nothing to do with me.

Over the last several years, I have successfully avoided all holidays.  This year, however, I was forced to do Thanksgiving, because I am so close to home.  And I will probably be forced to do Christmas, as well.  I really do not want to do that, though.  Yesterday was really hard for me, I smoked more cigarettes than I have in a year.  I purged my food and didn’t eat after that.  I shook every time someone touched my shoulder or tried to give me a hug.  I ran out back and laid in the grass with my book for a good 2 hours to try to avoid them.

Oh the holidays, pray I can make it through…

I Will Never Leave This Room

I have been drifting from hypomania to severe depression at the drop of the hat.  Today is not a good day.  I did not want to leave my room, in fact I had to press myself to leave to go get food.  I do not know how I will deal with tomorrow.  My mom wants me to go with them to my grandmother’s, but I don’t think I can handle that.  Especially since it’s 2am and I am still awake with no hope for sleep in sight.

Something that is on my mind, before I go back into my story, is criteria number 2 of BPD: Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.  This is something that I have had for so long, I go from relationship to relationship.  I go from being completely in love to hating the person.  Right now I have a lot of feelings towards someone, I think, but I am afraid of myself and I know that they’ll have nothing to do with me. Ever. I am not worth it and I never will be.  I wonder if in order to tame this criteria, I must not have relationships at all.  I wonder if I need to completely separate myself from every other human being.  I am thinking that will be best for me right now.  I can’t have people around me.

On to the story//

Where was I?  I think it was after my grandmother died.  My sister got really sick, very quickly after that.  I was watching her, we are latchkey kids.  She started to have a very long seizure, I did what I thought that I had to do and called for an ambulance.  Thank God that I did, she almost died.

My step-dad blamed me for the incident, completely.  He became more violent towards me for ruining his daughter’s life.  I believed him.  I think this is where the BPD really started to manifest itself.  I didn’t know who I was and I had such an immense hate towards the person that people told me that I was, so I believed everything.

That’s it for tonight… goodnight all

lostgirl

3am ramblings

It’s 3am, once again I cannot sleep.  How can a person survive like this?  My hotel room is a mess, it’s a shamble of diet coke, *safety* razors (will explain that one at a later date), and me.  Why do I take up so much space? Maybe life would be better if I took up less space and breath.  Where is my mind right now? No wonder no one wants to be around me.

Let’s start from the beginning

The beginning, my story, why I’m like this, things that I possibly haven’t said out loud in my entire life.  “Why?” you ask… because I need to tell someone, even if it’s a blank computer screen and an audience that does not exist.  Maybe I’m doing this to try to figure out who the fuck I really am.  As I just described to my friend, I’m different for everyone, so if I just explain out everything it will help me to identify myself.

I was born in May, my mom was in the military and slept with one of her really good friends (who she had been dating off and on for a long time) and boom/bang, she was pregnant with me.  I was born on a military base, but didn’t really experience the military upbringing, thank God.  Soon after I was born, I was rushed off to my grandmothers house, never really have met my father and never really having anything to do with him.  For years, I convince myself that he hated me and he never wanted to see me because I wasn’t what he wanted.  I was the bastard, the hiccup, the embarrassment.

I don’t remember much of my childhood.  My mom got married to my step-father when I was really young.  They tell me that they met because he was a friend of my babysitter and I would come home talking about the Chicago Bulls, so of course my mom had to meet the man that was doing this to her daughter.  They met and 2 weeks later he was moved in and she was pregnant with my little sister.

My sister was born with a lot of health problems, I would love to blame what is wrong with me on all of her problems, but I can’t.  I’m pretty sure I was messed up long before that.  I know that I needed my mom to be around me or I thought she would never come back.  That would lead for destructive tendencies, like completely ruining a brand new tv with koolaid.

Let’s fast forwards a couple of years.  My step-father’s mom dies.  She was the only one that would protect me from him.  She was the middle man, the good person.  I don’t know if she was, really, I idolize her now.  I mean, she was my protector, my all in all.  My dad’s anger got much worse after that.  I have blocked out a lot of my childhood, to protect myself.

I started to see a psychiatrist at the time, because I stopped eating and I started developing very weird symptoms.  They thought that I was depressed and had an eating disorder.  I didn’t like the lady that I saw, I felt that she treated me too much of my age when I was trying so desperately to be older than I was.  That’s how I always have been.  I was never allowed to be a child, I was told to grow up, to be perfect and to not fuck up.  If I fucked up, I got the shit beaten out of me or worse.  But you know what? It’s not the physical or sexual abuse that hurt the most, it was the verbal and mental abuse.  That stuck.  That is what made me hurt and why I have bad dreams still.

Why wasn’t I perfect?  Why couldn’t I be the daughter that they wanted?  Why was I so dumb?  At around 7, I started to try to be the perfect girl that everyone wanted.  That was the first time that I put on a face, a different me.  I put on the me that they wanted me to be.  I didn’t mind, because then I was someone.  For most of my life, up to this point, I have been no one; a face that is blacked out that no one notices unless she fucks up.

We’ll end this part of the story there and continue on on another date.  I feel that I really developed my BPD at that moment, because I didn’t know who or what I was supposed to be, I was so depressed.  This is when I started to isolate myself, I started to starve, I started to view myself dead, I started to self-mutilate, I started to be this weird thing that never would go away.

I view myself as a monster with many faces.  One for each person that she is with.  No wonder everyone leaves.

Who am I?

Who am I?  That’s a really hard question to answer.  I am me; crazy, yet sane; alive, yet dead; up, yet dead; alone, but surrounded; pretty, but ugly; tired, yet awake; confused, yet knowledgable; I am me.

I am diagnosed borderline personality disorder, bipolar I, PTSD, bulimic, generalized anxiety disorder, so I guess that says something about me.

I sleep little, eat less, but love over exuberantly.

Things are black and white for me, there is no grey area.  Either I love you or I hate you.  I’m on top of the world or I am buried under it.  I am functioning or I can’t even get out of bed.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder? nimh.nih.gov defines it as, “Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.”  That pretty much hits the nail on the head.  I am unstable.  I cannot have ‘real’ relationships.  And my behaviors react as I do.

Enough of that, let’s get to the meat…

Over the past decade, I have wondered why I think the way that I do.  Why I can’t seem to handle the simplest of things.  Why I dream beyond reason.  Why I can never seem to find my place.  Why I cannot just have stability. Most importantly, why do I feel so dead and alone, no matter what?  When I got diagnosed a couple of years ago, I didn’t really research it.  It was not until my recent episode that I finally started to look into it, to read about it and to figure out what the hell it means to me and the people around me.

DSM V criteria of a Borderline

Borderline Personality Disorder
The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose borderline personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress.

b. Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, orcareer plans.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities.

b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal.

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domains:

1. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:

a. Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.

b. Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control.

c. Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy.

d. Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods;pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior.

2. Disinhibition, characterized by:

a. Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress.

b. Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.

3. Antagonism, characterized by:

a. Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.

E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

Damn, that hits it alright.  How have I not known this before? Why was it so hard for someone to get it right finally? I hit all of the criteria… not some ALL… In my mind, it’s always all or nothing, like I said, I’m not an in between kind of girl.  Anyway, I’ve been hospitalized several times for different disorders, you think they would have gotten this right before!

This last stint has made me more mindful, I’ve noticed myself doing all of these things, but I cannot figure out how to stop them.  I’m extremely agoraphobic right now, the thought of going outside terrifies me, which sucks because I’m slightly homeless right now.  I have a good friend helping me, but I will probably push him away like I do everyone in my life.  I don’t think that I am worth it all, all of the effort.  Sometimes I really wonder why I am not dead. *Don’t worry, I’m not going to try anything right now…I think*

I’m doing this blog to help get some of this out, to see on paper what is really going on in my head.  A memoir-type blog on my entangled mind.