Lost friends and Suicide notes- Triggering

I am so sorry that I haven’t been on in a while.  I am stuck in this thing called life right now.

I still have no apartment and I have been living in between.  I’ve lost so much in the last couple of months.  You would think that if people stayed by your side through what happened before, they’d be there for you now.  Well that’s not true.  And I know I’m hurting everyone, but I cannot be happy right now.  I’ve tried so hard.  I just can’t.

I shake and shake and shake.  I wonder if anyone really cares.  I don’t know when I have ever cried so much in my life.  I have my manic days still, but they’re different.  They’re more like a depressed mania…  I don’t know how to explain it.

I feel betrayed by everyone in my life right now.  How can you tell me that you loved me and then just leave me and not care that I’m probably going to cut.

My ex hurt me the other day, he did it on purpose, he knew what buttons to push to hurt me.  I haven’t seen that much blood in a long time.  And my really good friend, G, he noticed when I was on facetime with him my arm.  I know I keep hurting him with my moods, but I can’t help it.  I’ve had very shallow friends in my life, apparently.  You’re only my friend when I am beneficial, but the moment that I am not and I need help, you leave me.  I don’t get it.

I wrote a suicide note while sitting in Starbucks today.  I don’t think I will follow through with it, but it helped me to feel better.  Strangely.

”

I could be poetic, say that life was just too much, something that I could no longer do.  While all of this is true, the reason that I will no longer be here tomorrow is because of myself.  I am so sick of my brain, I am tired of never being happy.  Mania is not happiness, it’s madness.  When you spend 90% of your time depressed and the other 10% wondering what you are and why you’re here, you’re not living a life.

I love the people that have stayed in my life through everything that I have put them through. And I’m sorry, I am so sorry.  I am no longer living and I haven’t been for a long time.  I substituted alcohol and the sense of being empty for a life for a very long time.  I realized most of my friends were actually superficial.  For those of you who actually care, I love you.  I really just cannot handle myself anymore.  Please forgive me.

I know this is short, but I really don’t know what to say.  My heart doesn’t want to work anymore, so I have to listen to it.  I am sick of losing everyone that I care about, so it’s my turn to say goodbye.

Love,

LostGirl”

This is a depressing comeback, isn’t it?  I will try to blog more later.

Love alway,

Me.